I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
