is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Randomize
