mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
And then my night got REAL pukey
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
How does one acquire holy water?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
