do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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