There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
