Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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