I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
