I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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