the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
