If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
