I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
