I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
