also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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