Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
