Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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