Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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