The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
