yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Buhtt sex?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
