There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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