Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
