i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
