there's paper in my vomit.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
