I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
