My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
