saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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