she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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