HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
