I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
