I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
