I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
