I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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