God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
