I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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