Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
