my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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