i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
