I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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