The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
