I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
