If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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