Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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