im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
