Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
