she was so not down for the gang bang
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
