party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
