I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
