He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
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