I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
