Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
