yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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